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Irish-Humor 2018-05-23T19:51:08+00:00

Irish Humor

The Tax Calculator
Irish Tipsy Cake

Growing up in Ireland we often heard our parents use a variety of phrases to get their point across. They had such wisdom, but often, we didn’t quite get it. However with the years passed and we reflect on those words and recognize their wisdom. Even the old man who travelled the roads had such eloquence that you’d think he attended one of the fine colleges.

Read down thru these examples, you just might find a few you can use!

Behind the Wheel
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”.
“I did all right,” the Irishman says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the Irishman . “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
An Irish Wedding
At a wedding ceremony, the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a beautiful young woman carrying a baby.
She started walking toward the priest slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I couldn’t hear in the back.”

True Love
An auld Irish couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected.
Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’ ”
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember
that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”

This is an accident report by an Irish bricklayer in London who
worked for the Green Murphy (Construction Company)
September 17th

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess
of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block II of the accident report
form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the
third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles
deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of
the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Signed Patrick O’Lunacy

Five surgeons from the Royal College og Surgeons in Dublin are discussing who make the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from Cork, says, ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second, from Galway , responds, ”Aye, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded.’
The third surgeon, from Belfast , says, ‘No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon, from Athlone chimes in: ‘You know, I like construction workers…Those fella’s always understand when you have a few parts left over.’
But the fifth surgeon, from Dublin , shut them all up when he insisted: ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on…There’s no guts, no heart, no ……. no brains, and no spine…plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.’

1. For every mile of road there are two miles of ditches
Meaning: There are two sides to every story. (This comes from some parts of Ireland, where ‘ditches’ means hedges.)

2. There’s no use boiling your cabbage twice
Meaning: Stop going over and over worries in your head because it solves nothing.

3. The older the fiddle the sweeter the tune
Meaning: Things and people improve over time.

4. A woman planted feathers in the dunkel and thought she’d grow hens
Meaning: Just because you ‘thought’ something would work doesn’t mean you were right.

5. It’s often that a man’s mouth broke his nose
Meaning: Watch what you say because it could get you in trouble.

6. As the old cock crows the young cock learns
Meaning: Children learn by example.

7. If there was work in the bed he’d sleep on the floor
Meaning: Used to describe people who are very lazy.

8. No need to fear the ill wind when your haystacks are tied down
Meaning: Once you’ve prepared properly then there’s no need to worry the outcome.

9. The longest road out is the shortest road home
Meaning: If you invest time and effort into something then it will pay off in the latter end.

10. You’ll arrive back with one arm as long as the other
Meaning: You heading out on a thankless quest. You’ll arrive back with nothing to show for it.

11. You’ll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind
Meaning: Merely thinking about something won’t get it done.

12. He didn’t lick it off a stone
Meaning: People’s actions are influenced by those around them.

13. I wouldn’t call the Queen my aunt
Meaning: Being in such a contented mood that even becoming royalty couldn’t improve upon it.

14. What I’m afraid to hear I had better say first myself
Meaning: One must be honest and wary of their own shortcomings.

15. Now you know you’re home
Meaning: You’re in a happy state.

16. It’s a long road there’s no turn in
Meaning: No matter how bad the situation is things always change.

17. Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman
Meaning: The three best ways to spread news. Back before the days of the internet.

18. An empty sack does not stand
Meaning: Bluffers and ignorance will always be found out.
Or An empty stomach cannot work
Another : A full sack cannot bend
Meaning: I just ate, I can’t go back to work for a few.

19. Even black hens lay white eggs
Meaning: You should never judge a book by its cover.

20. The road to Heaven is well signposted, but it’s badly lit at night
Meaning: Life has many challenges but the reward is good.

21. It’s as easy to catch a cold in a King’s castle as in a shepherd’s hut
Meaning: Wealth doesn’t protect you from the trials of life.

22. It’s better to pay the butcher than the doctor
Meaning: Don’t skimp on healthy food as it will cost you your health in the long run.

23. A lamb’s bleat is often more telling than a dog’s bark
Meaning: Subtlety and a quiet approach can be more beneficial than brute force and loudness.

24. A broken man is better than no man
Meaning: Having any man is better than being alone

25. No matter how many rooms you have in your house you can only sleep in the one bed
Meaning: Possessions are not what they’re made out to be.

26. It’s a lonely washing that has no man’s shirt in it
Meaning: ….. Ermm … Come ladies figure out this on and let us know !!!

DUBLIN DRIVERS

Paddy was driving down the motorway between Naas and Dublin,
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him,
“Paddy , I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on M1. P
“Hell,” said Paddy , “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

HERE’S MY PICK OF THE TOP TEN RANDOM IRISH/ENGLISH WORDS:

1. Runners
This one seems like sound Irish logic to me. What do you do when you put on your sports shoes?…You run! Therefore your sneakers shall be known as runners.

2. Hotpress
Again, this seems totally logical to the Irish mind. The hotpress is the airing cupboard where you might store sheets and towels, located next to the boiler. So therefore it is a press (cupboard) which is hot.

3. Gum boil/Mouth ulcer
Now, here’s where the office staff start to wince. The American name for this painful little spot on your tongue or gums is a canker sore. We’ve all decided that that sounds far worse that a gum boil, so we’re going to stick with the Irish terminology on this one.

4. Yoke
You would use this in a sentence like: “Do you know the yoke you use to make coffee?” See, it’s simple. The Irish appear to be noun-deficient and have many words that can be used to replace nouns. For example “Where did I put that thingamabob?”

5. Jumper
No, this is not someone who has hurled themselves off a building. It’s simply a sweater, not to be confused by a jumpsuit. Made famous by the Irish song “Where’s my Jumper?” by The Sultans of Ping FC.

6. Chipper
Mostly frequented after a night of gargle (alcohol), a chipper is a take-away place that sells chips (French fries), fish, battered sausages and other fried foods.

7. Footpath
Americans call it a sidewalk, but in Ireland it’s called a footpath. This is quite simply a path for your feet.

8. Boot
Not the variety of shoes that go on your feet. A boot is the trunk of a car. The place where your spare tire, groceries and other bulky items go. A common command as an Irish child was to “pop the boot.”

9. Ride
In Ireland, a ride usually refers to an attractive person, male or female. It is not when your friend offers you a lift to the shop.

10. Stuffed
Perhaps referring to taxidermy, when an Irish person says they are ‘stuffed’ it means they have had their fill of food.

“A bloke is walking down the road and he is watching these two Irish workman. One is digging a hole and the other is coming up behind him and filling it up. Bemused by this, he watches them do it 3 or 4 times. By the 6th time he walks up to the men and asks what they are doing. The Irish men reply “Well, there is normally 3 of us, but the guy who plants the trees is off today.”

IRISH DECLARE WAR ON SADDAM

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. “Hallo! Mr. Hussein,” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Saddam replied, “This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?”

“At this moment in time,” said Paddy after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire darts team from the pub-that makes 8!”

Saddam sighed. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Begorra!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. “Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!” “And what equipment would that be, Paddy?” Saddam asked. “Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy’s tractor from the farm.”

Once more Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Really?!” said Paddy “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Paddy rang again the next day. “Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We’ve modified Ted’s ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!”
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. “I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million.”

“Faith and begorra!”, said Paddy, “I’ll have to ring you back.” Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” said Paddy “We’ve all had a chat, and there’s no way we can feed 2 million prisoners.”

Irish Blonde Joke

Maggie, a stunning Irish Blonde came home from work only to find her naked husband lying on the bed puffing and panting. What’s up?’ she asks. ‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the husband….

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
‘Mammy! Mammy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet and she’s got no clothes on!’

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

‘You rotten bitch, she screams. ‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!’

Parking in Dublin Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’

Summer in Dublin. You know it’s summer in Dublin when the rain gets warmer.
Hal Roach

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after
years of being away from the Church.
There’s a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest
cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. “Father, forgive me, for
it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies: “Get out. You’re on my side.”

The Last Laugh-Irish Humor

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, “Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?”

Bejaysus, why?” Paddy asked.

“Because,” said Mick, “the whole street was laughing when they saw you two making love yesterday.”

Paddy grinned and said, “Ha!… the laugh’s on them… I wasn’t home yesterday.”

Not another Dumb Blonde

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty- thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered,

‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

Ahhh Paddy!

Reserved for
Cartoons
Fat Ass
Dumb Ass
Drunk off your ass
Smart Ass
Etc Etc

“The Irish are unique you know – we can laugh at ourselves….” Hal Roach